Condolences
In choosing the appropriate funerary attire, today’s fashion forward woman must remember that modesty and style are not mutually exclusive.
Dress to impress, is what I always say. Especially when it comes to impressing your man.
Don’t roll your eyes. Just because it’s a funeral doesn’t mean a girl shouldn’t strut her stuff. After all, why waste an opportunity?
For this occasion I’ve decided on a delicious backless number that is the perfect blend of “so sorry,” and “fuck me senseless.” Will’s a sucker for a sexy back.
Highlight your assets. Remember that.
If you ask me, he doesn’t stand a chance.
Now, they normally recommend that women with bigger breasts wear a bra (backless or adhesive), but since mine are so perky I’m thinking why bother. Borderline inappropriate, I know, but it’s not like I’m upstaging a bride or anything. Besides, the only one who would’ve said anything will be laying in a box.
Ugh, I so hope it’s not an open casket. Cancer death is gross.
Anyway, like I was saying, I’ll have Will squirming in his seat and eating out of my hand in no time at all – especially since I’ll be going commando.
Remember: ass-crack done right is anything but trashy.
Thomas couldn’t decide if I was a sexy bitch or an evil cunt. “Can’t a girl be both,” is what I asked him.
After I left Banana I made plans to up to Will’s parent’s house. I guess it’s his just Dad’s house now, but anyway, I figured Will needed someone to comfort him. What can I say, I’m nice that way. Though I could really do without this three hour drive. It fucking blows.
No wonder people drink and drive.
So I could tell Will is really taking this hard. Don’t ask me why. I mean it’s not like they didn’t know it was coming. Hello! She had cancer for fuck’s sake. Probably gonna die soon! Don’t get me wrong, it’s really sad and “oh so tragic,” but if you want my opinion he’s really being a vag about the whole thing. Seriously, when my folks die I can tell you I won’t be a bitch about it.
It’s no surprise though. He’s always been an emotional homo. I’m just glad he didn’t start crying. God knows I’m gonna see enough of that soon.
I don’t know what it is, but the concept of guys crying weirds me out. They look so funny when they do it. The last time I saw Will cry was when we broke up and it took every bone in my body not to start laughing at him. His face got all crunched up and his nose got all flairy, it was odd. The best part was he totally did the whole hyperventilation thing. I almost peed my pants.
You don’t have to tell me I’m mean, I’ve known that for years, but I’ll admit that lately I’ve been a grade-A cunt. See, who says I’m not capable of self-reflection? So I don’t do it on the level Will does, big effing deal. If you ask me, that’s what got him into so much trouble. There’s a reason people shouldn’t acknowledge their faults – especially those with as many as Will. Cripes, I’m shocked he didn’t try killing himself sooner.
What? You’re surprised? Listen, you think I didn’t know the guy was jacked when I first started dating him? Hmph. Well let me tell you, I had him pegged right away. I can spot needy from a mile away.
But every once and a while a girl needs a project to keep her busy. Honestly, looking back I could’ve done better. Not that I failed or anything. Oh well, I’ll get it right this time.
The poop of it is, I’m going to have to apologize. Or at least act like I’m sorry or sad or something resembling remorseful. Who knows? I guess I’ll just have to see how things play out.
A girl has to keep her options open is what I always say.
If you ask me, that’s worth remembering.
* * *
It’s worth noting that I always knew things wouldn’t work out with Heath. Seriously, I knew how that thing would end before it even started. Well, I know how it will end, ’cause I can’t really say it’s over yet. We’ve got a few loose ends to tie off. Anywho, he’s a fucktard and a lousy lay. Any woman who wants to spend their life with a guy like that is probably a bull dyke or something. Mildly retarded at the very least. But that’s just my opinion.
If you’ve ever wondered what a micro-penis looks like just ask me. I’ll show you a picture of Heath’s. Well, I won’t really show you anything cause there’s not much to see (Hah!), but I can describe it.
It won’t take long. (Ha ha ha)! Pun intended mister!
Am I on a role or what?
Not that I’ve done coke, but I bet I’d be pretty entertaining. I can tell you I’d look sexy as shit doing it. Like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. I know that was heroin, but she thought it was coke. Lots of people say I look like her. I look like lots of famous people, so they say.
Will said I always reminded him of Sophie Marceau. She’s French so I don’t blame you for not knowing who she is. She was in Braveheart – you know, that Mel Gibson movie about the English dude? – anyway, if you still don’t know who she is, trust me, she’s gorgeous. But my lips are fuller. And she’s a little hippy if you ask me.
You should know that Red Bull and cigarettes mess with your mind.
Seriously, why the hell I ever agreed to drive to Will’s is beyond me. Remind me to disagree with myself from time to time 
The question is: when I see him, should I cry? Hug him and say sorry? Cry and hug him? Or whisk him away and let him fuck me? That’d be soo much easier. Think I’d offend anyone if I just dropped to my knees and blew him?
I have to admit I look pretty hot with a cock in my mouth. I know, I’ve seen the video.
Remember: bat your eyes at the camera – it gives the impression innocence and enjoyment. Seduction is the most powerful weapon a girls got.
That’s the thing with Will, by the end he was just starting to open up, just starting to understand what it was that got me off. Heath never really understood that. He liked to say he did, but I could see he didn’t get it. I mean, seriously, only a Puritanical fag would be get that freaked out by a rape fantasy. Hello, I’m a submissive, like I’m going to give you permission to do those things. Just fucking do them already. For fucks sake, like a cock that small will rip anyone’s asshole.
Anyway, Will’s eyes are starting to open, only this time I’m going to help him along. Together we’ll understand each other. Communication is the glue that holds us together, that’s what I always say.
But enough about sexual predispositions, we ladies refrain from engaging in such lurid conversation.
Back to dead people.
Can you believe the timing of this whole thing? I know I can’t. I mean, I believe in karma and all that stuff but this is just crazy. I mean it’s like the Gods or fates or whatever knew that Will needed me in his life. He can’t say we weren’t meant to be together.
No one can.
