The Life of Liz

Regret can drive a person crazy. I should know. When I think about all the time I wasted with Will, I almost start crying.

Can you believe that at one point we were talking about marriage? That was over a year ago, but still, the thought of us getting married is unimaginable.

I still can’t believe he tried killing himself. I sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t I?

That was mean, I take that back.

Heath’s different though. He’s everything Will isn’t. He’s compassionate. He has a good job. He loves showing affection and treats me the way I want. He even took me shopping. Talk about an awesome guy, right. And because I know you can keep a secret, he’s un.be.lievable in bed. I’m talking multiple orgasms. I couldn’t even tell you the last time Will made me come. He was pathetic, and a lot smaller than Heath. TMI alert! Seriously though, I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. I mean, I kinda always suspected it was big. I mean, girls in high school talked about it, but I thought they were exaggerating. Honest to God, I thought we’d have compatibility issues, if you know what I mean.

I’m used to it now though. Of course I’m pretty much ruined. I mean I can’t ever really see myself being fulfilled by some normal guy. I sound like such a slut.

Not that I’ll ever have to sleep with anyone else. I see us getting married, for sure. He just needs to get divorced. That’s kind of an inconvenience.

He promised he would. He says he’s been talking to his lawyer and that the lawyer told him that these things take time. He said if they didn’t have a kid it’d go a lot faster.

I can’t tell you how great it is to be back in a real city. God I was sick of Aberdeen. The place had zero nightlife and even less culture. I mean I couldn’t even tell you the last time I saw an independent film, let alone went to an art museum. I doubt the hicks there would even know what one was. Seriously, the place was way too red-meat and potatoes.

You should see our apartment. So cute. It is now, anyway. Heath rented a place on Grand Avenue in St. Paul. It’s only a one bedroom, but it has a great view and we’re making it work. I bought a few Roy Lichtenstein prints and put up some black and white pictures I took when I studied in Europe, so now the place has a little more personality. We also dropped about two grand at Ikea. Thank you Visa! A lot of people forget about St. Paul, but I love it. In my opinion it is way cooler than Minneapolis. St. Paul has personality and our place is right in the middle of all of it. There’s a Banana, J. Crew and Patagonia down the street, as well as all sorts of fantastic restaurants and clubs. It’s like you don’t even need an excuse to stay up till 2 in the morning.

I love it. 

 *    *    * 

So I called Will the other day. I figured I’d be nice and check up on him. You should have heard him. Seriously, he was trying to be all cool and unaffected, but I could see right through it. He said he was fine, but I was like, yeah right, you just tried to kill yourself, your girlfriend broke up with you and, oh yeah, your mom has cancer. Like he’s fine. Whatever.

He asked if I told his mom about us and I said no. We talk quite a bit, his mom and I. She’s a great woman and it totally sucks that she has to go through what she’s going through. If you ask me, Will’s being stupid about the whole thing. I can’t believe that he isn’t acknowledging the situation. I mean if my mom had cancer and was probably going to die sooner than later you can be sure I’d call and visit all the time.

He kept on asking me how I was doing and how Minneapolis was. I should have told him the truth, that I was happier than I’ve ever been and that St. Paul was amazing, but I didn’t want to hurt him. Then he said he was thinking about quitting his job. Right, like that would ever happen. I just said, “that’s great,” and changed the subject back to his mom. He told me to quit being such a bitch, but I knew he was just trying to piss me off, so I didn’t say anything. Then he pulled the “I’m too cool to talk” thing and told me to tell Heath to “F” off. He’s so immature.

I know I’ve said this before, but seriously I can’t believe I ever dated the guy. Whatever, I shouldn’t even be wasting my energy thinking about him when I should be daydreaming about Heath and I.

I wonder if we’ll get married in the fall or spring?

I don’t like this. I hate the way I feel and I hate that I ran away when Will needed me the most. But I had to. They say that if a loved one ever threatens to kill themselves, you should leave. They say that staying with them only caters to their issues. I don’t want to make things worse. I want to help him get better. At least I think I do.

I’ve had a chance to think about things lately. It was pretty much all I did on the drive back to Minnesota. The one thing I came up with was that even though I love him, I’m not in love with him. Does that make sense? I guess what I mean is that I don’t think he’s “the one.” I feel like I’ve known this for a while. I just never thought it was the right time to tell him. In a way I suppose I didn’t want to tell him. Maybe things would’ve got better. Maybe he’d become the one.

I don’t know what exactly happened to change him. All I know is that he’s not the same guy I fell in love with back in Minneapolis. I don’t think his mom’s cancer changed him, I think this place did. When I was young my parents always told me that, “you are who you surround yourself with.” I believe that, I really do.

Back home we had a great group of successful, happy friends. We’d all hang out and laugh together. We’d have dinner parties and Christmas parties and parties for no reason what so ever. We’d visit the museum and go to shows. Here all we ever did was argue about which of the four restaurants in town we should go to. Will was always trying to get me to go camping and do outdoorsy things, but I’m sorry, I’m just not into that sort of stuff. I know it made him upset. I told him he should just go do those things, but he said it wasn’t fun by yourself.

So what did he do? Nothing but sit around and mope and drink and play on the Internet. Drove me nuts. I think it was around that time that I knew he wasn’t the one. I couldn’t believe how someone could be that apathetic towards his own life. Here his mom is possibly dying and that doesn’t even provide a little motivation to get moving. I mean how much more motivation do you need? I tried helping him. I bookmarked job sites, I told him about cool jobs I found back in Minneapolis, I even bought him a plane ticket home so he could see his friends. Nothing changed. It was then that I knew that No Name was the beginning of the end for us.

Finding Heath was just a coincidence. Well, maybe not finding him, but everything else that followed was. We were best friends in high school. Or he was my best guy friend anyway. I think we both wanted something more, but I think we were too scared to ruin the friendship. At least that’s what I told myself. Really, I didn’t want to get rejected. I don’t think he did either. Besides, he always had a girlfriend when I was single, and I always had a boyfriend when he was single. Talk about crappy timing. God, how many times since then did I daydream about what I would’ve done if I could go back and do things over. Anyway, we graduate and go our different ways and blah, blah, blah life moves on. Somewhere in between he gets married and I’m left with fantasies of what could have been. Then Will comes along and for a while the fantasies disappear. But that all changed after we moved to No Name.

Heath and I had always exchanged emails. Mostly nothing more than the “hey, how are things” sort of thing, but sometime over the last year our emails became increasingly more involved. If you only knew how hard my heart started pounding when he told me that he and his wife were having issues. They say regret can drive a person crazy. I don’t know if that was it, but I finally told him how much I’d always loved him. I know it’s so 80s-movie cheesy. But he said he felt the same way. I couldn’t believe it. After that, things got a lot heavier.

I guess you could say that we were having an ”emotional affair.”  At least I’ve heard them called that. We didn’t do anything physical, but we did talk about taking it to the next level. I mean, if you’re going to get a divorce or break up with your boyfriend you better be sure of certain compatibilities, right? So we made arrangements to meet up. That’s where I was last weekend.

I was going to break up with Will anyway. I think he knew that. I think he suspected something and that’s why he tried to do what he did. I never thought he’d go that far though. Trust me, I would have never done that if I thought he’d do something like that. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he’d died. What scares me is that I think I would’ve been kind of relieved. It’s sick isn’t it? I’m so scared of confrontation that I’d rather have him die than break up with him.

I’m not sure I should even be talking about this, but since I’m blogging I suppose I’m committed. Anyway, isn’t it funny how one thing can ruin your entire weekend?

Take mine for example. Awesome weekend, brilliant time spent back in Minneapolis reconnecting with Heath, the guy I had a major crush on pretty much all my life. Even if I didn’t spend all weekend having the. best. sex. of my entire life with “the one” it would have been a stellar weekend simply because I was out of the sticks and back in the coolest city on the planet. Have I told you how much I love Minneapolis?

But no, rather than go into awesome detail about the fact that for the first time in over a year Liz actually had a life, I instead get to tell you about finding my now ex-boyfriend Will passed out in our bathroom covered in vomit and blood.

Which isn’t a so much of a big deal if you ignore the bottle of pills and suicide note.

That’s right, the effer tried killing himself. And you know what? At this point, I’m not even surprised. I mean nothing he does surprises me anymore. Want to know something else? I’m kind of torked he didn’t succeed.

I KNOW I’m a horrible person. Perhaps the most vile bitch on the planet. But I just don’t care anymore. I can’t care anymore. I mean we were through long before he pulled this stunt. I wouldn’t even be too surprised if he did it so I wouldn’t leave. Kind of pathetic, isn’t it? But I don’t blame him for that. He should hate to lose me. I’m the best thing to ever happen to him.

Have you ever experienced a suicide? Have you ever walked into your home and been greeted by a note telling you not to go into the bathroom and instead call the paramedics? Have you ever had to read the last words of your best friend or loved one? I was on cloud nine before I saw that damn note.

And what kind of phrase is, “my last words will not be lies”? What the hell does that even mean? I suppose since he didn’t die; since he screwed up his suicide like he screws up everything else I could have asked him what he meant. But truthfully, I couldn’t think of anything to say. God, if you could have seen him lying there. I should have taken a picture. Then you’d know what level of pathetic I’m talking about.

But I didn’t say anything. I just sat on top of him and punched him as hard as I could. I sat on him crying and punching and wishing he was dead. And he just sat there taking it.

He said he was tired of living.I said I was tired of holding him up.Heath said I could move in with him.Will didn’t seem to care when I told him I was leaving.